1. |
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Well it’s so good that I picked up the early shift this morning
Standing out at the corner of the Berkeley-to-Boston bus station
Thinking of a girl who I knew a long time ago
As the 39 careens into my legs and my torso
Yeah I’ll be boppin’ my way down to the sixth street cemetery
Yeah I guess I could have maybe taken a step back from the bus lane
Funny thing, being young and out of control
Now I’m laying here in a pool of my own blood, just cause
A girl dared me to get killed by bus for her little brother’s TikTok video
Yeah I’ll be boppin’ my way down to the sixth street cemetery
I’ll be boppin’ my way down to the sixth street cemetery
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2. |
Keep Reeking
00:51
|
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|
Over here (in the same booth as always)!
You can plunk yourself down in the corner, big guy.
Now whaddya got for me today, friend?
I can take a quick look, lots to do, but I’ll try
So far, looks great
But I got another meeting
Keep the great work coming
And I’ll keep reeking
Gotta say, Rick, this is looking really good!
Lots of big ideas, but nothing too much of a stretch
I don’t know that I would call it “Kurt’s Loaders”
But otherwise I think it’s clear that we’re gonna be rich
Anyway, looks great
But I got another meeting
Keep the great work coming
And I’ll keep reeking
I’ll keep reeking
I’ll keep reeking
I’ll keep reeking
Keep the great work coming and I’ll keep reeking
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3. |
Worst Way to Die
02:03
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The worst way to die
Ain’t from following your heart
And then fading out of the spotlight,
Only to expire from natural causes
It ain’t living to 97
Without an ailment to speak of
And a loving family
But then one day a meteor crushes you in your sleep
The worst way to die
Ain’t just settling for fine
Making compromises every single step of the way
And suddenly collapsing for no good reason
Yeah it ain’t sacrificing yourself
To save the planet from oblivion
And you get memorialized in a statue
With a little plaque that reads, “This man is a hero.”
Unless the way you saved humanity
Was by volunteering to climb
inside a giant blender built by a maniac
Who refused to reveal the password for
Some awful death machine
Until someone volunteered to get in
Yeah, the worst way to die
Is getting obliterated in a giant blender
The worst way to die
Is getting obliterated in a giant blender
I never watched all the Saw movies,
Is that one in there? It’s gotta be in there
If it’s not, I’m gonna go on shark tank
And tell em all about it, yeah I’ll tell em all about it
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4. |
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I’m never gonna get out of here
No, I’m never gonna get out of here
And the most depressing part is
I’ve only seen the first four seasons of Schitt’s Creek
And I’ve heard it eventually gets good
But I’ll never get to see
Cause I’m never gonna get out of here
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5. |
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|
Yeah, Curtis the Slurper has got a lot of things going for him
Curtis and Cerberus, they're two peas in a pod
With a fervor that burned they searched the urn for the amulet
Then pepper sprayed a guy who was just walking his dog
Well, Curtis don’t learn, landed himself in a prison
Turns out legal defense requires knowing the law
And it don’t help wearing headphones on the stand, chugging Powerade, and loudly bragging ‘bout the brand new cell phone you got
Now Curtis deserved a fair shot at redemption
But the judge was fully justified to pause and insist
That Curtis’s filthy shirt (purple, torn, with a hog on it)
Made a mockery of the court, made all the jurors feel sick
Curtis’ sermon on turmeric made for the perfect diversion
And showin’ off his learner’s permit bought a minute or two
But when the foreman reported on the jury’s deliberations
Curtis ripped a rank one and pulled a knife from his shoe
Now Curtis and Cerberus are doing federal time
And all the plans they had together are on hold for the rest
Of the decade at least and then we’ll see how it goes
And the hawk that they’d adopted is alone and depressed
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6. |
School For Noodles
01:00
|
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|
Called me up and told me dinner’s at six.
“What can I bring,” I asked, but you’d already hung up.
I showed up late, you said, “Oh, great, it’s gonna be mush.”
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, while you stared out the window.
That’s when I realized you must have spent some time in some kind of full-fledged school for noodles.
I guess I should have guessed from your email address (NoodleGuy@noodlegoose.booze)
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7. |
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Keep me in mind for the role of Roger
In any plays you write, I could pull it off so well
A guy I think that I could sell
And it would mean the world to me
Keep me in mind as you write for Roger
Don’t deviate too far from whatever you think that I would say
Don’t make him do things I wouldn’t do
And it would mean the world to me
Keep me in mind
Keep me in mind
Keep me in mind
Keep me in mind for the role of Roger
|
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8. |
You Said "Yoda"?
01:18
|
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|
I don’t really like to compare notes
I’m just glad to finally be able to all hang out
But if pressed I guess I’d have to choose
The green character
You said, “you mean Yoda”?
Yep, yeah, Yoda
You said, “you said Yoda?”
Right in front of the guys
“Everyone else picked Han Solo
You fucking idiot”
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9. |
I Will Summon Him
01:58
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|
For three turns now: only I’s and E’s!
200 points down, four tiles remain.
Staring you down to stop your challenge to “PLIG”
wasn’t quite enough to mount a comeback.
You look to me as if to say,
“Can we call it, man? It’s getting late,”
And you just played JOVIALITY?
With a horn sound blasted from the deep, I will summon him.
I will summon him
To fold the board right in on itself.
I will summon him. I will summon him
To stuff the pieces in his mouth.
I didn’t know that you couldn’t move there.
I guess I kinda wasted all those scouts.
You used to play this as a kid it seems,
I’ve barely got it figured out.
Would have loved to have known bombs lose to 3s.
I really don’t see how I’m gonna come back from this,
And so I stand with a trumpet that, when blown,
Emits little more than a sorry hiss that summons him.
I’ll summon him
To turn the table and dash out.
I’ll summon him, I’ll summon him
To point beyond you and scream “look out!”
And while your back is turned
I flip the board around
You’re blue now, I’m red
What are you talking about?
We’ve been playing this way the whole damn time!
You gotta stop, you’re scaring your kids
It’s just a game, let’s call it tie!
Come on, we tied, and you know it!
I will summon him, I will summon him
I will summon him, I will summon him
I will summon him, I will summon him
I will summon him, I will summon him
|
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10. |
||||
|
When the big baseball game finally ends,
When the pitcher beckons to the umpire
With a look that says, “we should just end this now,
Seems like the home team is trying to lose on purpose,”
I’ll be standing over at third base
Waving a gun with the safety off in the face
Of the opposing team’s mascot
When the ushers take me down.
And while I’m sitting in the back of the captain’s car
And they’re discussing what to do with “the guy who keeps trying to bite people,”
And saying, “What the hell was all that, anyway?
They were keeping their grip so loose
that even if they had made contact the ball would have certainly just
knocked the bats right out of their hands,”
I’ll be plotting where to start screaming “I gotta use the bathroom!”
At which point he’s gonna have to let me out.
But guess what? We’ve parked right in front of the old abandoned mill!
That place is like a maze!
They’re never gonna find me in there!
They’re never gonna find me in there!
When the big baseball game finally ends
When the big baseball game finally ends
When the big baseball game finally ends
They’ll never find me in here!
|
||||
Wisconsin Anger Team
We're gonna get our million dollar bonuses one way or another
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