1. |
Little Prisoners
01:43
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Little prisoners!
Stuff ‘em in the jar and fasten the cover
We’re gonna get our million dollar bonuses
One way or another
We went to the moon six times last year
But our net pay stayed the same
So now we’re holding scientific progress hostage
Until we get our moon pay
Yeah our base salaries are for 200k a year
And we’re supposed to get a million dollars
On top of that for every time we go to the moon
Rick’s team just got a new computer lab
And they didn’t even make it to space
So we’re withholding our discovery of the first signs of extraterrestrial life which at first look seems to hold the key to ending every source of human misery
Rick’s team gets a corner office
And all the good parking spots
They hardly ever make it to space
Last year I had so many good ideas and Rick didn’t have shit
I’m gonna ask his wife to marry me in front of everyone at the Christmas party
Oh God! The little prisoners slipped right out of the air holes!
And they set the ship on an irreversible collision course with the international space station
Before they blasted through a solid wall and booked it straight back to that new planet we stumbled upon by chance
Oh God, this is the end! Oh God!
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2. |
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I’m thinking about getting an Ooni pizza oven
You really can’t reach the temperatures you need to get that bubbly crust
in any conventional one, convection or not.
Some of them are pretty reasonably priced.
I think I’d use it pretty often.
I’ve been looking into it, it’d be fun for when we have company over.
Everyone gets a turn picking out their own toppings and shoves one off the peel!
Could be hard in winter but in the summer I’m thinking we’d use it a fair deal
Are you serious right now?
We just missed a direct hit by less than a foot!
We have no control over this vessel, we are doomed!
Sure, you’re right, my bad, just couldn’t remember what it was called and meant to mention it before
Do you know anybody who has one?
It seems like they get good reviews overall.
Brenda’s friend from work has one I’m pretty sure, I should ask her about it
Her son works at that place on Donelson I recommended way back
By the way don’t use them, the owner doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom.
“Kyle,” I think his name is. Yeah, I’m pretty sure his name is Kyle.
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3. |
Big Prison
01:09
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A narrow miss!
We went spinning out of control
Entered the atmosphere going 15000 miles per hour
It’s a miracle we weren’t incinerated
But I sort of twisted the right way at the exact right time
and buddy I tell ya it worked out fine
When we woke up we saw,
For miles, lush green mountains
Untapped springs, flowers bloomed from idle fountains,
Monuments to a civilization long extinct,
OK, it’s a mirage, the place is brimming with sludge
Like a big prison, only the prison is a whole planet
And it’s one that’s maybe 12 miles from earth
No one found it until now and
I can see why: Mt. Everest blocks the view
Will you shut up for 10 seconds about the potential to open a food court here?
It’s a barren wasteland, Kip
We gotta get out!
So I’m gonna tug on this ripcord right now and an inflatable ship is gonna pop right out
And before you know it
we’re back in Wisconsin
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4. |
You Gotta Believe Us
02:25
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You’re all gonna feel pretty foolish when
you realize there’s another planet
like 12 miles away from the earth
No joke, it’s twenty times the size of the moon
And yeah it’s got its share of sludge
But with a little work it could be home
I get the sense you don’t believe me
I see some doubt somewhere in there
That’s understandable, but go ahead
and ask my shipmate Kip here,
Kip, tell em all about—
For chrissakes, Kip, leave some shrimp for everyone else and tell ‘em all about—
You’re taking it by the armful now, your shirt’s ruined, man
Tell ‘em all about—
I just can’t believe the way you behave at these things
You’re all gonna see pretty soon, I tell ya
As I was saying, you can’t see the planet
‘Cause Mt. Everest blocks the view
It makes sense if you really just think about it
It makes a ton of sense to blow that thing up
So why don’t we just get to talking numbers?
I get the sense you don’t believe me
I see some doubt somewhere in there
That’s understandable but go ahead
and ask my shipmate Kip here,
Kip, tell em’ all about—
For chrissakes Kip, leave those chips for everyone else
And tell em all about—
Can’t you please close your mouth when you’re chewing this is such a nice house,
Tell ‘em all about—
I just can’t believe the way you behave at these things
We’re gonna prove it
We’re gonna prove it
You’re gonna feel so dumb for doubting us
We’re gonna prove it
We’re gonna prove it
You’re gonna feel so dumb for doubting us
That’s what I thought, man
Now sign the papers
8 million over five weeks without a string attached
That should be plenty
That should be plenty
To blow up Everest
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5. |
Lunch For One
02:19
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I’m on the top of the world
Everyone put your menus away
I know what’s good here
Come on, let me order for the table
First off, we’re gonna need some more napkins
And if you got it I could go for more bread
We’re gonna skip the appetizers (trust me!)
And for the main event
I think we’re gonna have “Lunch for one”
Serve it up right here, right now
You guys gotta try “Lunch for one”
The portions are so big
The leftovers last weeks
“Our menu’s 10 pages, man
You gotta give me more to go on than that
Also, it’s already 4:10pm, the 12 lunch deals ended at 2:00”
Come on, Randy, I eat here all the time
It can’t hurt to bend the rules just a little
We’re gonna eat like kings for at least a few weeks
I’m sure it’s no trouble to tell
The kitchen “we’ll need one Lunch for one
For the nice man and his friends at table 16”
You guys gotta try “Lunch for one”
The portions are so big
The leftovers last weeks
Get your hands off of me
Don’t you know who I am?
Don’t you know what I’ve done?
You’re really gonna be sorry
Anyway, we don’t have time
We got a flight to catch
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6. |
Journey to the Mountain
01:01
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Would you look at us?
Doing pretty good I’d say
Sitting first class
En route to Everest
Yeah man you can use that bathroom
It’s probably got a ton of space, man
Bet the one in coach feels like a coffin
I’ll watch your stuff, hurry, the movie’s starting
While you were gone
I ordered you a diet Pepsi
Should be here soon
What do you mean?
You were gone for like a minute and a half
How could that cause the toilet to spark?
Dude, there’s blood all over your vest
You’re speaking with a voice that’s not your own
What are you even saying?
Let go of my airflow mask
I’m not gonna die because of you
I’m not gonna let this kill my plan
I sunk so much money into this
I never even saw the rock and roll hall of fame
Deploy the capsule we can fit a few of us in there
We only got a couple seconds until impact
Rick you don’t need to buckle, just hold the door shut
Sacrifice yourself for the sake of all of us!
Depressurized!
We're depressurized!
Rick, hold onto this door!
Crash landing!
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7. |
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Well I guess
If no one else is
gonna step up
I can give it a shot
And try my hand
At being a surgeon
To save the only one of you numbskulls
I wouldn’t miss at all
Nobody could have known
that it would all get blown to smithereens, least of all me, man
Sit still for a second, I’m trying my best here
Not quite sure
what this is for
So I’ll heat it up
Over an open flame for a second here
Damn that’s sharp
and searing hot
Not sure how this is gonna help, but here we go
Nobody could have known
that it would all get blown to smithereens, least of all me, man
Sit still for a second, I’m trying my best here
It’s really stuck in there
And I know it ain’t fair and I’m just making it worse
I dropped the damn thing again, we just gotta call it
I already set the C4
I already lit the fuse
He ain’t waking up, boys
He ain’t gonna be no use
I already counted down
I already fled the scene
Now we just watch from back here
Until the peak just blows off clean
I already spent the money
Man, I just sat down to eat
I ain’t going back there!
I ain’t gonna lose my seat!
It’s not what he’d have wanted
He looks pretty much at peace
Just let him keep rattling off
About those visions of “Mouse Beach” (?)
Nobody could have known
that it would all get blown to smithereens, least of all me, man
Sit still for a second, I’m trying my best here
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8. |
Rick Was Not A Hero
01:26
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Rick was not a hero
He just had a lot of helpful gadgets
Rick was probably lying
When he screamed he wasn’t ready to die
When you say he was beloved
I don’t think that’s really fair
Sure, he bought us all these gas masks
so we wouldn’t suffocate
But Rick was not a hero
His ideas were all pretty much worthless
Rick was dead weight, buddy (admit it)
We didn’t need him before and we don’t need him from here on
When you say he was beloved
Man, it eats me up inside
Honestly most of the time I couldn’t stand to hear that guy talk,
let’s move on, it’ll be just fine
Cause Rick was not a hero
No, Rick was not a hero
Rick was not a hero
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9. |
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Beyond the Everest Crater
You’ll see the planet that we found
It’s plain as day, right in front of your eyes
So now who’s the one no one trusts to watch their stuff?
Now who’s the one burning his life savings on illegal sports betting apps?
Wipe your eyes
And choke through
The settling dust, look to the sky
Just below the blinding light of the sun
Beyond the Everest crater
There is another planet
Yeah, there's another planet
Well now I’m vindicated
And you’re all left looking like fools
Yeah we told you, admit it
We didn’t need your rules
So now who’s the one trapped in seven MLM schemes?
Now who’s the one pissing his life away on YouTube crypto tutorials?
Wipe your eyes
And choke through
The settling dust, look to the sky
Just below the blinding light of the sun
Beyond the Everest crater
There is another planet
Yeah, there's another planet
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10. |
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This is the worst thing that could have happened
How did we not think to plan for this
Our accounts are cleaned out
There’s no money left
There’s no money left
We just watched Blank Check on Thanksgiving Day
We really let that poor kid Preston have it
Making fun of his hair
And the fact that he struck out with that 30-year old detective
You were the one who called him “financial genius,”
I don’t remember using that phrase at all,
I was saying he should have told his dad what was going on
You don’t know
You got up to use the bathroom,
You were probably looking at your fucking phone the whole time
Money is the only thing that matters
And now we don’t have any
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Wisconsin Anger Team
We're gonna get our million dollar bonuses one way or another
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